Brutal Honesty

Everyone has heard "Brutally Honest" right? Some people ask for Brutal Honesty. C'mon...give it to me...

Why would someone ask or offer Brutal Honesty?

Regardless of the subject, brutal honesty will change the perspective of a relationship of two people. Whether you are the sender or receiver, your perception of the other person will be changed. Brutal honesty really has no place in conversation. Honesty is a genuine thought or feeling one might have and want to share or one might want someone else’s honest about something.

If I’m playing guitar and I ask if you honestly like the song I just sang, it would be honest of you to say yes I like the song if you truly like it. It would also be honest if you said, it’s not my favorite if you didn't. It would also be honesty if you said, yeah I do, I liked you’re playing but could work on your voice (offer constructive criticism); you are still being honest.

Brutal honesty would be saying, "The song is a very good song but you really suck at singing". That changes the comment. Worse would be if you prefaced it, "To be brutally honest, the song is good but you can't sing worth shit". Basically you add a qualifier (since you asked), and then you hammer with an opinion (you suck). Now I know your true feelings that you think I suck. Which might even be true, I might be terrible at it, but that doesn't change the fact that without saying we both knew I wasn't that good. It probably didn't have to be said.

Qualifiers such as the following also change the face of perception:
-To be brutally honest...
-Not to sound like a dick but...
-Not to sound racists....
-I'm the type of person....
-In case you were wondering...
-I will/have never...
-I on the other hand....

All of these are the same. They are all followed by things that whomever you are telling doesn't want to hear. And 9 times out of 10  they know what you are about to say. These qualifiers also usually follow with an unnecessary opinion containing brash words and big ideas.

The problem with the qualifier is that it doesn't excuse the following sentence. Basically you are a dick. So now that we've called out the a-holes (which is all of us), let’s talk about reasons why someone might want to use them.

The most reckless is the intention to damage or injure someone. Not physically but mentally obviously, but damaging just the same. Using a qualifier with bad intention, the best is "in case you were wondering.." about the last sentence ends with ...that person will always remember you said that. Even if they forgive you, or even if they don't show it. Their perception has changed and they know that you are capable of intentionally hurting them. Regardless of the situation, if you are in an argument or dispute, or even if you are joking around. If you intentionally speak out about a known fact between you, or even an assumed fact, you will always be known for going too far and being a dick.

Another reason someone would use a qualifier is they want to change your perception of them. If I was known for being too nice, or realize that I’m getting pushed around, a statement can be made with one of these to draw a line in the sand. That’s why it’s called making a statement. The reaction you get will not be consistent and it’s really playing a dangerous game as everyone receives statements and data differently. So your statement might be too harsh or too light and either is overly or under affective depending on what you are attempting to accomplish. Maybe you are insecure and you are adding a qualifier to state your case before you get judged. Some people will add it when you meet them, "I'm the type of person that comes right out and says what I think", like they're now licensed to say whatever they want to now. Those types of people are generally secretly nice people that find it easier to be a jerk as a defense to not being taken advantage of. I understand it, it’s a tough world, but you are who you are and once you start hiding it you'll end up exactly what you didn't want....judged and taken advantage of by others.

Lastly, I wanted to touch on the "I will or have never..." qualifier, because it’s a blanket statement that in itself destroys hope, interest, and the pursuit of happiness that we all secretly long for. If I’m told to do something, in defiance, I may say NEVER! That is the most childish reaction to an act. If I want to go for a motorcycle ride with my wife and she was like "I will never ride on a bike with you", it’s disheartening. Something that I wanted to share has been killed. So as long as I own a bike, I know I’m going to want the love of my life riding with me, I'll know that "NEVER" will happen. Hope for her going is killed; hope of me being happy about riding will never be true either. Because I know that "NEVER" statement will run through my head anytime it’s nice out and I’m going on a ride and think...it would be nice if..."NEVER"...don't ask her. I'll have to think "noooo, she won't go with me ever"...which is a negative thought about her that is unnecessary and only brought on by one person wanting to share with another.  Something so happy and meant to be a good experience is damaged in some way based on a blanket statement that was unnecessary. Whereas an answer like "no honey, I don't feel safe yet on those things, maybe after you've had some time riding" would leave a door open for the possibility. Then let’s say you made the "NEVER" statement, then changed your mind. "hey honey, let’s go for a ride" at first I’d be happy just to get the excitement back that I felt, but it will never be like before she made me feel ashamed for liking to ride, or wishing she'd ride with me. Eventually my excitement will calm down and rational thought would put a little bit of bitterness about it. Just the same that a tickle doesn't feel the same on a scar as it does on unharmed skin. 

As I said, these statements change all kinds of relationships, co-workers, friends, lovers, and family, anyone that has an interaction with another person.

To be brutally honest, people that make statements like these are being stupid and short-sighted. Where children are naive and do not know better, adults are ignorant because they should know better.

c.l.

Judge Me?

Judge Me? Hey, Judge You buddy!

I recently had an unpleasant conversation with someone that is supposed to be close to me. I was told that i'm selfish, fake, and an ingrate. The morning of the same day i was told that i'm smart. Last week i was told how much i seem to care. a month ago i was told that i was a dick. I'm sure everyone has an opinion of me. Some high, some low. I'm sure I have an opinion of most of the people that are worthy of having an opnion of.

What does that mean?

Nothing thats what.

My opinions, just like yours are only used as a barometer of how i'm going to act towards a person. The people that don't get opinions are lumped into one category, then there's people you like, people you dislike and then you have partners, aquaintences, friends and family. Everyone of of them has a level of how you would like them to think of you as well as how you think of them.

The person that thinks i'm selfish is telling me this because they want something that i won't give them. Not that i've displayed selfish behavior in a consistent manor over the duration of our relationship, but one specific act or time frame where they decided that a judgement was necessary. Maybe they wanted thier judgement to change my decision or maybe they wanted to just ruin my day. either way the judgement was unnecessary to thier goals as well as hurtful to both myself and them because one good judgement deserves another.

All of these judgements that are made are stupid. The criteria used in judging anyone is based on either a tiny sample size of thier day, or a half truth/half story. The parameters we use are based on arbitrary limits that are made up by the judge based on however they felt they wanted to judge.

The interesting part is why they felt the need to judge in the first place. I crossed a line at some point for them to decide that it was time to find bookends to a time/place that I was present and make a determination of how they felt about how I acted.

The most amusing part of someone elses judgement of me is their own reaction to thier own judgement based on the decision to judge me using the criteria that was made up. Its amusing because some people mimic the actions they judge...which is stupid because if I was wrong, why would someone want to be wrong also, which then they would fail at thier own criteria and deserve to be judged equally. Some people offer a solution, (I feel that you would be better off if you acted like I act, or how I feel you should act because I know better). And some people just walk away.

Who is right in this situation? The clone, problem solver or the listless? or should the judges of the world focus on how they would like to be judged by someone else. All judgements are formed opinions based on personal values, preferences, and a multitude of external and internal reasons. Everyone judges things and people internally and they express them only when they want to affect someone else in a negative or positive way. The motivating factor in passing your judgement onto others is almost always for selfish reasons.

Also, all opinions are formed by a determination of how an act or function of something or someone is percieved. Some are formed by facts that drive decisions of how you will act towards them. Judging is dangerous and most times its unfounded and unnecessary. I hope if you are a judge, and reading this (that really narrows the field btw), that you take a step back and realize that judging will not make you feel better about yourself which is really where your focus needs to be.

Judging me? Go judge yourself.


Homework:

Try and not judge someone based on a small window of behavior. if you find yourself judging someone (while driving, working, or at home) think about your judement and how big of a sample of this consistant behavior makes you judge soemone.

I'm betting that the smaller sample of your judgement the more violent/harsh/praising/giving you are.

Evolving or Just Getting Old?

Remember when.....?

At what point do you realize that when you are with your friends you are always reminiscing? What age does living and enjoying the simple/stupid things stop? I bet nobody even realized that they stopped laughing at someone falling down. Just a few years ago if someone rode by on a bicycle and fell, my first reaction would be to laugh my ass off, then maybe if it was serious enough i'd see if they were ok. Now, no way, i get all concerned, make sure they are safe, able to move, have a ride if they need one, worried if they have insurance ect. all the stuff I never considered when someone had an accident.
Or what about the lawn? back in the day? weeds? who cares. walking on it? shit, i'd play golf on it. edging? waste of time. Now, my lawn is manicured, I declare war on Creeping Charlie (see, i even know the name of the weeds).

So my prioritities have changed. Simple. And although I don't laugh as much, or find joy in others as easy, I feel i'm smarter, wiser, and use better judgement then before.

Is that better? Absolutely...not. Gone are the days of creativity, sponteneity, and joy of that certain kind. This subject is not to wallow in the shade of past times, but to acknowledge that the change that has occurred was not on purpose, and is not the end of days.

From my perspective, if you read this, this should spark motivation to recapture some of the sillyness that has been lost. If you do read this, and you understand what i'm saying, then you are most likely on the same page.

Homework Assignment:

This evening, wherever you are play some music. Music that you love. Get an old hobby out of the closet/basement/garage and play for a few minutes. Then stop and take a look around and listen to your mind and body and see how you feel. I'm willing to bet it will be better than you've felt in a long time.

c.l.