Brutal Honesty

Everyone has heard "Brutally Honest" right? Some people ask for Brutal Honesty. C'mon...give it to me...

Why would someone ask or offer Brutal Honesty?

Regardless of the subject, brutal honesty will change the perspective of a relationship of two people. Whether you are the sender or receiver, your perception of the other person will be changed. Brutal honesty really has no place in conversation. Honesty is a genuine thought or feeling one might have and want to share or one might want someone else’s honest about something.

If I’m playing guitar and I ask if you honestly like the song I just sang, it would be honest of you to say yes I like the song if you truly like it. It would also be honest if you said, it’s not my favorite if you didn't. It would also be honesty if you said, yeah I do, I liked you’re playing but could work on your voice (offer constructive criticism); you are still being honest.

Brutal honesty would be saying, "The song is a very good song but you really suck at singing". That changes the comment. Worse would be if you prefaced it, "To be brutally honest, the song is good but you can't sing worth shit". Basically you add a qualifier (since you asked), and then you hammer with an opinion (you suck). Now I know your true feelings that you think I suck. Which might even be true, I might be terrible at it, but that doesn't change the fact that without saying we both knew I wasn't that good. It probably didn't have to be said.

Qualifiers such as the following also change the face of perception:
-To be brutally honest...
-Not to sound like a dick but...
-Not to sound racists....
-I'm the type of person....
-In case you were wondering...
-I will/have never...
-I on the other hand....

All of these are the same. They are all followed by things that whomever you are telling doesn't want to hear. And 9 times out of 10  they know what you are about to say. These qualifiers also usually follow with an unnecessary opinion containing brash words and big ideas.

The problem with the qualifier is that it doesn't excuse the following sentence. Basically you are a dick. So now that we've called out the a-holes (which is all of us), let’s talk about reasons why someone might want to use them.

The most reckless is the intention to damage or injure someone. Not physically but mentally obviously, but damaging just the same. Using a qualifier with bad intention, the best is "in case you were wondering.." about the last sentence ends with ...that person will always remember you said that. Even if they forgive you, or even if they don't show it. Their perception has changed and they know that you are capable of intentionally hurting them. Regardless of the situation, if you are in an argument or dispute, or even if you are joking around. If you intentionally speak out about a known fact between you, or even an assumed fact, you will always be known for going too far and being a dick.

Another reason someone would use a qualifier is they want to change your perception of them. If I was known for being too nice, or realize that I’m getting pushed around, a statement can be made with one of these to draw a line in the sand. That’s why it’s called making a statement. The reaction you get will not be consistent and it’s really playing a dangerous game as everyone receives statements and data differently. So your statement might be too harsh or too light and either is overly or under affective depending on what you are attempting to accomplish. Maybe you are insecure and you are adding a qualifier to state your case before you get judged. Some people will add it when you meet them, "I'm the type of person that comes right out and says what I think", like they're now licensed to say whatever they want to now. Those types of people are generally secretly nice people that find it easier to be a jerk as a defense to not being taken advantage of. I understand it, it’s a tough world, but you are who you are and once you start hiding it you'll end up exactly what you didn't want....judged and taken advantage of by others.

Lastly, I wanted to touch on the "I will or have never..." qualifier, because it’s a blanket statement that in itself destroys hope, interest, and the pursuit of happiness that we all secretly long for. If I’m told to do something, in defiance, I may say NEVER! That is the most childish reaction to an act. If I want to go for a motorcycle ride with my wife and she was like "I will never ride on a bike with you", it’s disheartening. Something that I wanted to share has been killed. So as long as I own a bike, I know I’m going to want the love of my life riding with me, I'll know that "NEVER" will happen. Hope for her going is killed; hope of me being happy about riding will never be true either. Because I know that "NEVER" statement will run through my head anytime it’s nice out and I’m going on a ride and think...it would be nice if..."NEVER"...don't ask her. I'll have to think "noooo, she won't go with me ever"...which is a negative thought about her that is unnecessary and only brought on by one person wanting to share with another.  Something so happy and meant to be a good experience is damaged in some way based on a blanket statement that was unnecessary. Whereas an answer like "no honey, I don't feel safe yet on those things, maybe after you've had some time riding" would leave a door open for the possibility. Then let’s say you made the "NEVER" statement, then changed your mind. "hey honey, let’s go for a ride" at first I’d be happy just to get the excitement back that I felt, but it will never be like before she made me feel ashamed for liking to ride, or wishing she'd ride with me. Eventually my excitement will calm down and rational thought would put a little bit of bitterness about it. Just the same that a tickle doesn't feel the same on a scar as it does on unharmed skin. 

As I said, these statements change all kinds of relationships, co-workers, friends, lovers, and family, anyone that has an interaction with another person.

To be brutally honest, people that make statements like these are being stupid and short-sighted. Where children are naive and do not know better, adults are ignorant because they should know better.

c.l.